Archive for November, 2003

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Depressive Girl’s Guide to the Movies: Two Hits

November 30, 2003

This week’s picks are horrifyingly sad movies that somehow didn’t make this depressive girl sad–whether it’s because her mood is improved or because the films are so subtle and complex that there’s more meat here to chew on than your typical depressing movie, I don’t know. But these films fall under a new category that I like to call The Aesthetic of Sadness.

Ratcatcher

I think I have found a kindred spirit in the filmmaker Lynne Ramsay, whose films all seem to concern neglected young children–an innocent wide-eyed take on hopelessness and misery, stringy-haired and dirty and lice-ridden, terribly sad but seen through the ever-innocent eyes of a child who loves the alcoholic dad because she knows nothing else, who makes play in piles of trash so rotten you can smell them through the screen. Ramsay gives you the complexity of growing up in such a state, the stark unrelenting ugliness of poverty and oppression and abuse and neglect streaked through with breaths of real life that keep the characters from becoming pitiful one-dimensional victims but also from being unrealistically noble savages. These people are in horrible situations, and they make the best of it, and sometimes make it worse, and sometimes limit themselves within their own limited existence, replicate their own exploitation. This, my friends, is the true aesthetic of neglect. As much as I loved Charles Burnett’s Killer of Sheep, his characters are those that rise above their surroundings rather than replicate them–the dad does not hit the mom, they don’t drink or do drugs (they sip tea!) the kids play with refuse but not stinking rotting filth, and no one in the main family gets hurt or killed or abused (except the sheep). As neorealist as Killer of Sheep seems to be, its agenda is really to reveal/restore/affirm the dignity of the poor and oppressed, to place the blame for the family’s difficulties on society and on racism rather than on the family itself. There’s nothing wrong with that agenda, but it is a different agenda than Ratcatcher, which gets inside the idea that the poor internalize their environment of neglect and in some ways get in their own way, caught in a downward spiral. And this is personally what interests me more.

 

Hysterical Blindness

This film is gut-wrenching and I almost don’t know what to say about it other than “see it.” I saw it weeks ago and wrote here that it’s the kind of film you wince through and walk away feeling you’ve been kicked in in the stomach, but after that I just couldn’t find the words. Still can’t, really. But I do want to expand on my mention of it being the bravest film I’ve ever seen. The choice of setting it in the icky early 80s is at first amusing but once the film wears on it becomes clear that it’s actually a brilliant aesthetic choice–it replicates the film’s icky themes. These women are not attractive from any point of view, and their full-on 80s garb (not yet retro enough to be cool, despite current 80s nostalgia) accentuates that. If it had been set today, your opinion of them would perhaps be different, perhaps more sympathetic. But as is, everything about them is just…wrong. They look ridiculous from the first frame. It’s like a female version of Casino, or Goodfellas, where the slimy 70s garb and big honkin’ polyester pastel suits make the gangstas look completely sleazy and ridiculous–not romanticized. Likewise the female angst is here not romanticized. Their no-self-esteem stereotyping and self-defeating behavior is odious and appalling throughout, and make no mistake, this film offers no hope. It is unrelenting. But it’s the first film I’ve ever seen that has the bravery to do that. To go deep inside the ugliest behavior we women like to think we are above, or have left behind, or have been saved from. The stereotypical behavior we like to think we have exorcised, or the kind we think we are too feminist and liberated to possess. But in seeing Uma Thurman going there–going there full-on and not looking back–we see bits of ourselves and we are thankful to her for being so brave as to let it all hang out for us to see, because that’s the only way to defuse its power. Pretending that girl no longer exists only gives her power; seeing her in her horrific beauty helps us to mend her inside us.

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There is Nothing Else

November 30, 2003

…such powers of concentration come from years of being alone, of needing to focus so strongly on one thing because there is nothing else.”

–Myla Goldberg, Bee Season

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Poem for J.K.

November 29, 2003

chelsea hotel dirge
after Leondard Cohen

I know I should write a poem about you.
a friend, a former lover, dead.
I should write things about how much

                                                                         I’ll remember you
                                                                         I’ll think of you
                                                                         I’ll miss you.

I should write things about

                                                                         The good times we had
                                                                         The laughs we shared
                                                                         The love we felt.

It doesn’t seem appropriate to say

     that it’s hard to remember your face
     that more than your touch I remember
          your withdrawal
     that others who have shared my unmade bed
          have crowded you out of my head
     that I can’t suggest I loved you the best
          or even that I think of you often.

It doesn’t seem appropriate to say

     that I don’t grieve your death
          but your life.

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Saturday Night Affirmation

November 29, 2003

I WILL go out tonight. I WILL NOT stand him up again. I WILL NOT continue retreating to my lair and blowing off friends. I WILL get my ass out of the fucking house. I WILL. I WILL. I WILL.

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To the Brutal Poet

November 29, 2003

This goes out to a certain brutal poet. And this. And, mostly, this.

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CT the R-Dropping Prophet

November 29, 2003

Oh CT of Real World-Paris, that great Bah-stun prophet with the Elvis hair, you leave us in your final episode with the final words of wisdom: “It’s not about getting what  you want, it’s about wanting what you have.” It’s funny and sometimes alarming that one can occasionally find inspiration in trash, filth, cliche, illusion. MTV is truly evil and will destroy the world if it is not stopped and CT’s kind of a total asshole and the Real World is a joke yet I found myself moved by that line, and laughing at myself for being moved by it. CT’s no angel but I gotta respect a guy who hates all of the morons on the Real World and who only reluctantly allows himself to learn a lesson or two, to open his eyes to the possibility that “there’s more to life than Boston.”

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Sports on Demand

November 29, 2003

how do the apes manage to find sports on tv at all hours of every day? even now, at 1:22am, i hear refereee’s whistles and sports banter coming from the living room. is there really that much sports out there?

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Blog-envy?

November 28, 2003

There are a lot of blogs that have very well-prepared posts, long and well-written and moving etc., like the Margaret Cho post I linked in the previous entry, but I think my blog will never be like that…I think mine will always remain off-the-cuff and fragmented bits of thoughts and insights and funny bits that I post as they occur to me…I’d like to write the long and moving posts, but I just can’t afford to put such time and energy into it. Not without getting paid. That kind of energy goes into my novel and other assignments, but the blog for me works best as a place to try things out. Then again, I read a Real Live Preacher post and then want to just trash my whole blog. Have you seen his Bifocals post? Argh, rip my fucking heart out.

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Cho Blog

November 28, 2003

i don’t really know a whole lot about margaret cho, but looked at her blog and this foot-wart metaphor made me cry, and laugh…especially the last line:

“it is merely that I have grown to stand tall on the earth, no longer crippled by the neglect of self, the destruction of my stance and the lack of confidence in the world and the possibility that I could have it at my feet.” this’>http://margaretcho.net/blog/myfeet.htm

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Random Kittens

November 26, 2003

I need lots of Random Kittens today.

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Thanksgiving

November 26, 2003

The grad students nextdoor are not celebrating Thanksgiving out of ideological protest. I almost wish I could have that excuse, rather than the my-family-sucks excuse. I wish I had the luxury of removing emotion from the equation.

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More Anti-Shrek

November 26, 2003

ok here ya go, anti-shrek, reprinted from my film blog from ages ago. I don’t know if the colloquium is going to venture into this area, but perhaps I’ll try to push it there…

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Anti-Shrek

November 26, 2003

I’m going to this MIT colloquium next week… I wrote an anti-Shrek post once, will find the link and bring it here soon:

CMS COLLOQUIUM

“SHREK: THE ULTIMATE OTHER”
A talk by Pawel Jedrzejko
Thursday, December 4, 5pm in Room 2-105

This talk offers a close reading of the movie SHREK as a short deconstructive history of otherness in America. Examines the international poupularity of the film in light of its cultural tranlatability; the genesis from William Steig’s book SHREK to the movie; Shrek as a fairy tale about Beauty and Order.

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Teaching Sucks

November 26, 2003

I got the invite to TA again at MIT next semester and was nearly lured … until I remembered that I hate teaching and made a very concious decision to quit this semester. It always looks good from the outside, but then once you’re inside and you realize you have no energy or enthusiasm to pull it off, it goes downhill fast. For some people it’s a dream job, for me it is a soul-sucking enterprise.

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Hello Germany

November 25, 2003

Someone in germany is doing google.de searches for my name. Maybe it’s Roy–I think he’s there visiting right now. If so, HI ROY! MISS YOU! If it’s someone else, hi to you too, strange german. Maybe I’m famous in Germany. Me and David Hasslehoff.

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American Splendor essay

November 25, 2003

Here’s my American Splendor bit for Brattle Film Notes…

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Garbage Walk

November 25, 2003

What a lovely walk to work today behind the garbage truck. The truck’s stop-and-go rhythm makes its pace about equal with walking, therefore every time I felt glad to pass the stinking truck, moments later it would creep back up in front of me and perch itself, just long enough for me to rejoice in once again walking past, and then it creeps back up and perches, and I walk past, on and on the cycle continues, Cynthia-and-garbage-truck locked in a stinking waltz all the way to Harvard…

So I smelled the stench of garbage for the entire walk, while also being blinded by the fucking screaming sun. Good day, all.

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Love, Inverted

November 24, 2003

I want to say that someday he’ll ache like I ache, but the truth is that I ache like I ache because he ached like he ached and he decided to spread it around.

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Link Thief

November 24, 2003

My  new favorite hobby: stealing links from Greencine. Read the Stranger’s Courtney Love obit.

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Boston Subway=Opposite of a Worm Hole

November 24, 2003

The LAST thing I want to do today is get on the subway at rush hour and ride for an hour, red line to green line to Brookline…but I must. How is it possible that it takes 60 minutes via subway but only 15 via car? Doesn’t that defy the laws of the universe somehow?