Some Reactions to My New Haircut

1. “Is that what you wanted them to do?”

2. “Do YOU like it?”

3. “It’ll take some getting used to.”

4. “You got your hair cut?” (followed by long pause with crinkled nose)

4. No reaction at all (passive disapproval).

#46

The view outside my office window.

From the Mouths of Babes #3

“Hi fuzzy.”

–3-year-old nephew, upon seeing his mother emerge from the shower

From the Mouths of Babes #2

 

“It looks like a smokestack!”

–3-year old nephew peering into the toilet at his own creation

TV Notes

Best idea for a reality show ever. Ever. UPDATE: Never mind, it’s a fiction show, not reality. Damn. But they should make a reality show about it.

Meanwhile, Eddie Izzard’s new show is pretty boring and their American accents are really weird but I must say that without all the makup he’s pretty sexy:

Though I know women who are in love with him even in drag.

Darth Vader: I will have the penne all’arrabiata.

Canteen Worker: You’ll need a tray.

Darth Vader: Do you know who I am?

Canteen Worker: Do you know who I am?

Darth Vader: This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought.

Canteen Worker: Well, you’ll still need a tray.

Darth Vader: No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor.

Canteen Worker: No, the food is hot. You’ll need a tray to put the food on.

Darth Vader: Oh, I see the food is hot. I’m sorry. I did not realise. Ha ha ha ha … oh … tray for the … yes. I thought you were challenging me for the fight to the death.

Canteen Worker: A fight to the death? This a canteen, I work here.

Darth Vader: Yes, but I am Vader. I am Lord Vader? Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader? Darth Vader, I’m Darth Vader. Sir Lord Vader? Sir Lord Darth Vader? Lord Darth Sir Lord, Lord Vader of Cheem? Sir Lord Baron Von Vader Ham? The Death Star. I run the Death Star.

Canteen Worker: What’s the Death Star?

Darth Vader: This is the Death Star! You’re in the Death Star! I run this star!

Canteen Worker: This is a star?

Darth Vader: This is a fucking star! I run it! I’m your boss.

Canteen Worker: You’re Mr. Stevens?

Darth Vader: No, I’m … who is Mr. Stevens?

Canteen Worker: He’s Head of Catering.

Darth Vader: I’m not Head of Catering! I am Vader, I can kill catering with a thought.

Canteen Worker: Wha’?

Darth Vader: I can kill you all! I can kill me with a thought! Just … fine, I’ll get a tray! Fuck it! This one’s wet, and this one’s wet and this one’s wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. This one is wet. Did you dry these in a rainforest? Why, with the power of the Death Star do we not have a tray that is fucking dry? I do not … no, no, no! I was here first!

Other guy: You have to form a queue if you want food. Can I have, uh … ooo, penne all’arrabiata. That’d be very nice.

Darth Vader: No, no, no! Do you know who I am?

Other guy: That’s Jeff Vader that is!

Darth Vader: I am not Jeff Vader, I am Darth Vader.

Other guy: What? Jeff Vader runs the Death Star?

Darth Vader: No, Jeff … no, I run the Death Star.

Other guy: You Jeff Vader?

Darth Vader: No, I’m Darth Vader.

Other guy: Are you his brother? Could you get his autograph?

Darth Vader: I can’t get his … no, I’m Jeff … all right, I’m Jeff Vader! I’m Jeff Vader!

Other guy: Could I have your autograph?

Darth Vader: No, fuck off or I’ll kill you with a tray! Give me penne all’arrabiata or you shall die! And you and everyone in this canteen! Death by tray it shall be!

Canteen Worker: Do you want peas with that?

Darth Vader: Peas! You don’t have peas! You can’t put in right in … you can’t put …it doesn’t work with penne! Unless you push ‘em up the penne tubes and then it’d be weird! Oh, all right! Put some peas in.

Paint

I’ve taken up painting. The thrill of buying art supplies is a completely new pleasure I never knew existed. More pleasurable than the painting itself, in some ways.

The act of painting so similar to the act of writing — in that both are equally painful.

I start off with an idea, full of excitement of hope…and then after I’ve begun, once the broad strokes are down on the page or the canvas, all I want to do is get it OVERWITH. Playing with brushstrokes is fun (above), and is much like blogging. No pressure, no definite destination to reach. Having an idea and attempting to execute it to perfection, however, is a different story.

This is the effect I was going for, but ended up not having the patience to get there. One click with photoshop, though, and I’m there. But I can’t hang it on my wall.

Funnies

merkley???: i drove them off

me: how did you manage that

merkley???: by being unavailable emotionally
and then following that up with loud bouts of neediness
mixed with resentful texting
and insecurity disguised as arrogance

me: way to go

via raymi

Lyric I Like

he walks away/the sun goes down/he takes the day

–Amy Winehouse, Tears Dry On Their Own

From the Mouths of Babes

 

Grandma: What do you want for your birthday, honey?

Grandson: (considers a moment)… A friend.

MIA

Someone recently chided me on my lack of blog posts of late. This is who I hang out with these days. That should explain it.

The Fat Americans

Some people, particularly dull Canadians, like to revel in reports of America’s fatness. I would just like to point out that the prevalence of obesity in America is primarily among the poor, so nice work making fun of poor people.

Also check out the CDC’s map below, which lays out the fattest states–which also happen to be among the poorest.